I’m so perplexed by how I was blindsided by my therapist. I’m pretty calm right now, so I feel like it’s a good time to look closely at it.
I’m also perplexed at how a therapist ex was the best and also the worst. He’s my only ex of any kind who I can say was really good at a lot. That would be cool, except it makes it more confusing that he was also bad.
I was never scared that he was going to use things I told him to hurt me. It never once occurred to me that he would do that. I associate that behavior with my personality disordered ex who is total worthless crap.
I really wish I could understand what happened. What signs did I miss? Why did therapy go so well for me and then fell off a cliff? I’ve never had a relationship do that before. Is that something that pretend or fake relationships do when they end? I don’t know.
I don’t understand why The Therapist would flex his power to hurt me so specifically like he did. It never occurred to me that he hated me. If he and his boss thought I was awful why would they let us continue to have sessions for so long? He had other clients. It seems very mean to do that to me. This is one of those times when I just don’t see the point in a guy being mean. Of course my disordered sociopath ex is mean. He has zero empathy or love for anyone. His behavior is reprehensible but also unsurprising. He will do whatever he wants in any given moment without regard for anyone or anything. If there’s a way he can be scum, he will find it. This is expected behavior from him.
My therapist must just be very weak. I did pick up on an emotional disturbance undercurrent with him, which I guess is critical to pay attention to in the future. He never seemed dangerous or anything, but he turned out to be emotionally dangerous.
I sometimes think about if I would’ve hurt him the way he hurt me if our roles had been reversed. I could picture getting mad at him, and I was ok if he got mad or upset with me. I thought he’d talk it out with me or we’d plan to have a few ending sessions, I didn’t think he’d hate me and would hurt me with personal things.
There’s a lot of understandable pressure to pick good people once you’ve been in a bad relationship. I get it while I understand that we can’t control or predict everything. What I don’t know, and it has me feeling rather stuck, is how I picked badly and didn’t pick up on him being a bad choice until the very end. I don’t know what to learn and apply next time. The only lesson I’ve found in this is to not trust anybody ever, which is defeatist.
My ex therapist is either one hell of a charlatan or I missed some signs. If he’s mean then what does it say about me that he was my best therapist ever? And why can’t I write him off like my other exes? I’d really like to. I’d really like to know what I missed or what turn we took that made my therapy self destruct or what to glean from this terrible experience.
I’d also love to know why I can’t stay mad at my hot Bradford Chad.
Ha.
Dear Hot Bradford Chad,
I don’t know why you became so mean. I don’t know why of all your choices you picked the ways to hurt me that you knew lined up perfectly with my past trauma. That seems like an extreme kind of way to end things with a client who you only have a pretend relationship with. It was really a bit much, even other therapists think so.
I’ve been trying to understand, because I felt like it was harsh and like a personal attack timed perfectly to cause me maximum pain, and it was shocking considering we had done well together most of the time. At least I thought we had done well. I remember telling you that if you ever didn’t like me or found me too annoying to counsel, to please tell me. I liked you and never wanted you to feel stuck with me if you were unhappy.
It has been painful to think of you hating me more than everybody else. You made us enemies and that’s a very tiresome kind of relationship for me to be part of. Again, I didn’t expect this behavior from you.
I don’t see how this way was better than us being friends in twenty or thirty years, but you seem determined so I’m going along with your way as best as I can.
You know that even when I end this blog that I’ll have to tease you every now and then, just to remind you that I don’t like this plan of yours. It’s more effort for less reward. My plan was better, no offense. But we’ll do this your way, whatever that way looks like.
I think sometimes I’m going to pretend that you like me. It helps with the pain and makes me think of happier times and some great things we worked on and talked about.
Try not to get too upset when I say you’re still hot. If it’s any consolation, you’re going to be forty soon enough and you always have the option of letting yourself go downhill like a lot of men do at that age.
If you decide to do that, do you want me to pretend that you’re still hot, or should I be honest about how you’re letting yourself go? Most women fuck an ugly guy at least once so you won’t have to worry about being alone every night, I’m pretty sure you could still get some, plus a lot of women will like you simply because of your height and your ability to earn a paycheck. I’ll be disappointed in your lack of discipline, but if you hate me anyway then you won’t have to care what I think.
Of course you might age well. I guess we’ll see. Your fans will always want to see you looking fine, not that I care, I’m just guessing at how some ladies might think.
Sincerely,
Resilient