Hello, Gary Stu, how are you? Perfect as usual? That sounds perfectly lovely, but that’s not what life is like for the rest of us.
Dear Aaron Gleaves,
Remember back when I still mostly believed I could succeed at therapy, and I did the silly client thing and asked you one day if we could try to be friends later on, specifically after you retire when you’re in your sixties and I’m…slightly older? Lol. And do you remember how you proceeded to give me a passive aggressive non answer which was really a “no”, by telling me how you had lots of supportive, loving family and close friends, and you didn’t need anymore?
And since I liked you, I wasn’t offended when you told me that—basically told me that you didn’t need me in your life then or when you’re in your sixties, haha (and that’s okay btw).
I remember feeling in awe that some people have what you had. I was actually really happy to hear that you already had everyone you need in your life, and hey, I can appreciate a good humble brag.
Fast forward to Session 69 and I’m upset and bringing up things you’d said in previous sessions that I felt like I’d tried to get clarification about from you before. It was all coming out too critically, I could tell that it was, but I didn’t know how to restart and get back on track because I’d felt unsafe from the first moment of that session when you showed up emotionally checked out. You didn’t even seem to remember that you’d ever talked to me about the container method.
So there I was kind of going off about things and you just kept saying “You’re angry with me” and “You’re mad at me” but I really wasn’t. And I told you I wasn’t several times. I kept trying to get you to listen to what I was confused about, and you saying that over and over only made me more confused.
Because you have all of the loving friends and family you could ever need and all of the wonderful clients you need, so then why did it matter if one client seemed to be momentarily angry with you?
Are you so used to being loved by everyone all the time that it totally shocked you to think that a little client like me might’ve been upset with you?
I don’t know what it’s like to have people showering me with love and support on a consistent basis. And here’s the thing: Lots of other people don’t know what that’s like either.
So when a guy like you, who claims to have all of the social aspects of life going perfectly great for him, gets upset when one expendable client gets upset with him, then it just seems off in some way. It makes me think that maybe you really are a spoiled guy who nobody ever gets upset with, or maybe you have an issue where you can’t stand having a woman displeased with you ever, or maybe you don’t have the perfect social balance that you bragged about having. I really don’t know you well enough to say.
But I do know that not being supported, not being listened to, not being validated, not being loved in a healthy way—that’s how many of the rest of us have lived.
I wasn’t angry with you then. I’m sorry I spoke too critically and didn’t stop being a needy, self-absorbed client long enough to properly reassure you that you were doing a good job and you hadn’t fucked everything up. I’m sorry I wasn’t more patient with that adored-by-everyone guy who seemed like for whatever reason he actually couldn’t handle a client like me being frustrated with him.
In our last session, we spoke of you possibly having reached the limits of your skills as a therapist with me. I disagree with that. I also disagree with Stacey that you and I had an unhealthy relationship. I think both of those are cop outs and I respectfully disagree. Obviously, the two of you decided what was best for me without my input, but I think I was where I needed to be, doing exactly what I needed to do. If I was ever going to have the breakthroughs I needed to have, then things were going to get uncomfortable some of the time. I’m sorry it became uncomfortable for you, especially to the point that you felt like you had to just walk away without a proper send off. I really do wish I’d been able to have more figured out internally, much sooner. It would’ve been easier for both of us.
I hope you have only clients that you’re happy and comfortable with from now on. I mean that.
I hate the way you ended therapy with me, but I don’t hate you. I’ve tried very hard to and sometimes I get pretty close, but I don’t. It turns out that it’s rather difficult for me to hate someone who held space for me for a year and a half, who cheered for me during my good times, and encouraged and supported me during the bad.