Part of me wants to wait and hope that eventually all of this pain and rage will dissipate, but part of me wants to use it as motivation to speak out.
My feelings of betrayal and rage were overwhelming at first. Sometimes they still are. I want Aaron Gleaves to feel all of the pain I’ve been feeling, preferably with a big serving of guilt heaped on top. I know that’s highly unlikely. If he had the level of compassion that would cause him to feel my pain, then he wouldn’t have caused it in the first place.
Soon after it happened, I reached out to him and expressed how hurt and angry I was at how horribly he ended therapy with me. He did the typical, expected, yet extremely hurtful and invalidating thing of not replying to me. It made me feel like he’d completely thrown me away and then forgot that I existed. It made me feel like he thought I was trash.
Since I’d started processing my rage right after he’d terminated me, I was able to be more logical than reactive most of the time as I was going through these angry feelings. I realized that my motive for wanting to retaliate wasn’t just for a taste of revenge but because I wanted to prevent him from hurting future clients in the way he’d hurt me.
I ended up messaging him again to tell him the many ways in which he’d ended things with me were harmful. I used clear examples and logical arguments based on reliable research and asked him to please self-reflect and commit to doing better with his future clients. Again he didn’t reply.
I felt conflicted about how to handle this and sometimes still wonder if I’m doing the best thing. I’m not a passive person, but so far, I’ve decided not to file a complaint against A.G. The reason I haven’t is because when I feel calm and not angry, my gut feeling is that he hadn’t ever terminated a client before me and was pushed by his supervisor to quickly end things with me instead of working it out. I have no proof and never will, but I feel that he’s actually a good therapist overall and that even if he didn’t reply to my messages, he read them and will do better in the future. I really think he will. I think this because I’ve replayed our relationship over in my mind several times and he was always open to doing better at things. I’m the same way, and it’s part of why we had a good therapeutic relationship for a long time.
When I first started meeting with him, he was chronically late to our sessions. He’d apologize but be late again the very next week. A few times I jokingly thanked him for showing up. Then at the start of one session after his usual apology for being late, I told him that I wasn’t going to late shame him anymore. I’d thought about it and realized that joking about his lateness was a passive aggressive way of chastising him. I told him I’m not happy being like that to people and because he wasn’t super late and always gave me a full session, it wasn’t a dealbreaker to me. I told him I’d never mention it again because I knew that he cared about his clients and that if he was late, it was probably for a good reason. I didn’t mention his tardiness again.
The funny thing is that he stopped being late. He was perfectly prompt for most of the 70 sessions we had together.
There are other examples I could give of improvements he made, but the point is that he always gave me the impression that he was willing to do better for his clients and to grow in his role as a therapist.
I have no proof of him improving himself outside of our sessions, but I strongly believe he’s that kind of guy.
I’m not sure why he terminated me the way he did, after he seemed to genuinely care about me for a long time. It’s caused me a lot of confusion and I suppose I’ll never know exactly what he was going through that led him to do such a piss poor job of ending what had been a highly productive and mutually enjoyable relationship. In basic terms I think he freaked out, and he emotionally shut down to handle it the way I’m guessing he was pressured to by his supervisor and possibly his colleagues.
Most complaints about therapists don’t end with them losing their licenses. I’d still be up to complain about him if I felt convinced that he was the kind of therapist who will go from client to client doing harm. I just don’t think he’s like that. He’s very skilled and compassionate with people who suffer from anxiety and I think he’ll help many more people in his career. I believe that’s the greater victory, even as I hate that I was a learning experience for him and he hurt me.
Sometimes I feel that to not retaliate means I’m weak. I always want to stand up for myself. However, I feel like I have stood up for myself. I think I can defend myself without causing more damage. I mostly feel peace about the way I’m dealing with this experience. Is it the best way and the right choice? I’m not entirely sure, but I don’t see how I’ll ever have enough evidence to be completely sure. I’m only able to use the evidence I think I have and combine it with my gut feeling to do what feels right to me.