I’ve been confused about why I lost my sex drive after my therapy ended. It would make sense if I’d lost it before during times of grief, but I haven’t. I don’t see why it would disappear after a sad therapy experience but not after other tough times like an abusive marriage, being cheated on, and other breakups. Plus I didn’t lose it during pregnancy or after having children. I got used to having it as a constant.
But somehow this experience was different. Maybe my emotions were so overwhelming about this that there wasn’t any energy leftover for libido? I don’t know, but it’s been back for a little while now and I think I’m over whatever it was that caused it to go away.
I might’ve mentioned this before, but I’ve always preferred talking to male therapists about sex stuff. I feel like they understand me and I sense less judgment. There are risks I guess, but I feel like I can talk about it in a real way and they get it. Maybe it’s from the way women talked to me about sex when I was young. It was negative and of course laced with judgment and shame.
If I had a male therapist now I could say, “Wow, I’m really going through it at the moment. It’s so difficult and frustrating to have to reject an offer to have sex with someone who I find attractive, based on principle.” I think a guy would get it. A lot of women would too, but some of them turn motherly or friend like, which is great, except sometimes I just want to be able to say “I want to fuck someone for purely selfish reasons” and just have that be that.
So I was coping with that yesterday and I don’t regret saying no, but today something else confusing happened.
I woke up having slept well and feeling powerful. I have no idea why. Sleep I guess? I looked in the mirror and said oh I am pretty. A lot of times I really don’t know, but today I saw it and realized I was. I don’t know if I’ll be pretty tomorrow, but I was today.
During a break from work, I had a disagreement with a guy. He and I are not a thing and never will be. I wasn’t even thinking of him. We had a disagreement and I told him I was offended by something he said and instead of him getting defensive and angry and insulting me or something he was very understanding and kind and apologized, which he didn’t need to do, but I appreciated. I told him I appreciated him being nice about it and we went out separate ways.
Then later in the afternoon when I was at my desk working on something boring, I suddenly fantasized about that guy having sex with me and I had a massive deep long orgasm in real life at my desk. It was incredible, but unexpected. It’s unusual for that to happen to me at work. I feel confused, but I think I had an orgasm from a man being kind to me? What the hell. Still, it felt great, but I don’t need that to happen at work. I’m usually so good at focusing on work.
So yeah, my sex drive is back, and I’m trying to manage it which is already difficult, and now I don’t know how if I’ll be able to because it certainly seems to have a mind of its own.