Sometimes I wish we could choose the punishment for someone who was mean to us. I came up with a few ideas for my terminator ex-therapist.
Dear Aaron Gleaves, as punishment for the awful termination process you forced on me, the trusting client who thought that you were kind, I hereby sentence you to one or more of the following punishments:
- Administrative, Accounting, and IT Duty for 70 Weeks.
You’ll handle all of the company admin tasks and paperwork, as well as take care of any IT issues, plus check the mail and pay the company bills on time. You’ll also maintain the website and all social media accounts.
For all that you’ll be paid minimum wage, and in your free time you can still see clients, but only after all of your other work is completed.
If you still worked for Calmed Counseling in this scenario you might wonder what David will have left to do if you’re doing all of those things?
The answer is he can do whatever he wants to for his same salary, as long as he doesn’t do your work. If he wants to get paid to watch Netflix while you work, that’s perfectly fine. Now hurry up.
Oh and get David a coffee. - Everybody’s Favorite for 70 Weeks.
With this punishment, your colleagues at whatever job you have, as well as additional hired actors, will compliment you incessantly about anything and nothing.
“Aaron, thank you so much for telling me my mic was off in this morning’s meeting. I don’t know what I’d do without you!”
“Aaron, I love that you throw trash in the wastebasket instead of littering. You’re so considerate. Nobody is more considerate than you!”
You’ll win Employee of the Month every month and be presented with the award each time in a big company presentation, accompanied by cheering and applause, and more compliments, of course.
People will say awkward shit like “And the winner this month is..Aaron Gleaves, again, because he deserves it so much more than any of the rest of us ever could.”
And comments like, “Am I annoyed that Aaron’s won it 6 times in a row? No I’m not, because he’s the absolute best thing that’s ever happened to this company.”
Imagine getting random gift baskets and cards thanking you for being the perfect colleague and for just being you. - Be a Manly Man Therapist for 70 Weeks.
You’ll update all of your online Licensed Professional Counselor profiles on sites like Psychology Today with a statement such as, “I strive to make our sessions a place where you’ll feel heard. Especially if you love football and other contact heavy sports and working out at the gym, and power tools. And big trucks. Real man stuff like that. I’m skilled at helping real men with their manly issues, so if you’re a real man, message me today for a free 15 minute consultation.”
Additionally, you’ll be required to insert those kinds of topics into every session with every client. A college kid who is stressed about their grades? Football. A woman in an abusive relationship? MMA. The guy working up the nerve to ask his boss for a raise? Power tools. - Psychological Dramas and the Morning and Nightly News for 70 Weeks.
The only kinds of movies and TV shows you can watch are dark or disturbing ones, preferably with characters who have major mental and emotional issues and fucked up families. That sort of programming and the news. Gotta keep up with all the depressing things going on in this wonderful, fucked up world.
Start and end your day with the latest news updates and see how your sleep and stress levels are affected. - Become The Best Therapist Ever for 70 Weeks.
As in you’ll get on various social media and literally call yourself The Best Therapist Ever. You’ll talk about how awesome you are and how you tolerate your pathetic clients. You won’t talk about real clients, but your followers and soon to be haters won’t know they aren’t real.
So when you make a TikTok complaining about a made up middle aged client named Becky who you wish would stop bitching about her job and just get a new one already, many people will comment, and most of their comments will be heated and negative about you.
You’re gonna be so popular. - No Doritos for 70 Weeks.
You can’t have any Doritos, including any and all flavors and including all generic brands.
Will you replace them with other junk food? Probably.
Will you get in better shape from not eating Doritos? Possibly.
Will you crave Doritos more often if you can’t have them? Hopefully.
You can’t have any Doritos, Aaron. Because you were bad.