Aaron Gleaves is a sex symbol—one who consistently appeared to have a low opinion of sex whenever the subject came up in my sessions.
It’s actually inspiring.
All of my long term romantic relationships so far have ended up being disappointing as far as intimacy is concerned, physical and other wise. Neglect, abuse, and just plain incompatibility were issues I had with past partners which greatly contributed to my dissatisfaction and determination to end each of those relationships.
Those bad relationships made me determined to never suffer that way again.
I brought my sexual frustration into my sessions with Aaron. The subject came up often because I was dating and it was something I kept struggling with. Quick flings and short term relationships were fun, but they always seemed to get complicated, and I wasn’t usually the one complicating them.
I’d go to my counseling sessions and talk about my dating life and the fun times and disappointments and how it was confusing and frustrating, but as my therapy progressed, I realized my frustrating dating experiences were helping me to figure out and prioritize what I really wanted in a relationship.
The issue that I began having with Aaron was that I noticed he started to respond to me talking about sexual frustration with what came across as judgment or the inability to relate. I’m not wrong about how he was coming across. I’m good at detecting passive aggressive behavior, and there were also times when he’d say something outright like how something I mentioned didn’t matter or that sex was yucky.
I’d never heard a man say that before and it made me think. I figured he meant like it was gross in an animalistic way and the ways it makes people behave. I didn’t disagree with that, but it was frustrating to me to have to guess what he meant by his various comments. I tried several times to talk with him to figure out where he was coming from, but it was like when I tried to talk about our therapeutic relationship. It didn’t get anywhere.
I ended up feeling like he was judging me, not for having or not having sex, but for placing a higher value on it and making it more of a priority than it deserved to be.
By the time Session 69 rolled around, I was extremely frustrated and confused. I told him that if he looked down on highly sexual people that he really needed to be clear about that much sooner with his clients, since he was obviously unable to keep his opinions and judgments out of the way of therapy.
I also told him, in a rather accusatory tone I must confess, that if it was a matter of him being unable to relate to being sexually frustrated because he’d never had to suffer alone a single night in his handsome-privileged life, that that was also a huge issue for any client like me who needed acceptance and understanding from their therapist.
The way he did a poor job of talking about things with me at the end and then how he decided to abruptly and coldly end my therapy, like he suddenly realized or admitted that I was never going to be his idea of the perfect client (whatever that looks like) was a huge turn off to me. It actually turned me off from dating and sex almost completely. I still haven’t gotten back out there. It seems pointless in a way, or maybe I’m just tired or have sexual depression or something.
However, I’ve begun to see good from the way it seemingly messed me up. I’ve decided that when I do resume dating, it will be with the clear intention of getting a healthy long term relationship with a partner who is compatible with me. I’m not going to casually date, because even though it’s fun, I realized that for me it takes a lot of time and energy, and I don’t personally find the results to be worth the work.
I’ve also had more inner peace. I think the frustration is still there, but it’s like it doesn’t bother me as much most of the time. It’s what Aaron used to say about sitting with discomfort and being okay.
To be clear, I don’t feel that Aaron shamed me in any way. The impression of him that I was left with was that he happens to be a good looking man who either doesn’t like or just doesn’t prioritize sex very much. That blows my mind, but there’s nothing wrong with it. And I have no idea, but I really don’t think it’s due to any inability on his part. I’m guessing he’s very capable. He really just comes across as somebody who doesn’t prioritize that at the level that many people do. It’s kind of like he’s living on a higher plane of existence as far as that’s concerned.
I don’t put my therapists, or really anyone, on pedestals, but I think if Aaron Gleaves and I were the last 2 people on earth and we had a few days before the end of the world, he’d still be better about that than me. I’m pretty sure we’d both have different ideas of how to spend our remaining time.
I imagine we’d both want to get outside if it was safe enough to be out, but I think we’d suggest different activities for our remaining time. His ideas might be to golf or hike and I’m sure, to meditate. My ideas would be to write the world’s last short stories and journal entries, to hike, and to…meditate.
Because at the end of the day, and even at the end of the world, I think Aaron Gleaves, my favorite sexually-zen, sex symbol ex-therapist, is right. There’s a lot of peace to be had from knowing how to find calm while experiencing discomfort.