If you decide to go to him for counseling, here are some tips:
Lie. It’s best if you make up shit that is close to your trauma, but that is not your exact trauma. That way if he decides to backstab and hurt you with it, the pain it causes you will be limited.
Tell him you’re married. Even if you’re not, pretend that you are. He thinks marrieds are superior and believe me, you don’t need to be distracted by his bias. Just go with it and apply the insight you get as best as you can to your real relationship situation.
Don’t comment on his looks. In fact, if looks come up, describe your ideal hottie as someone who looks very different from him. The Therapist is really sexy but he likes to think of himself as sexually and emotionally enlightened and superior, and if you tell him babe I can’t help but notice how fine you are, it will make him feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter if he’s the last guy you’d ever get with because you don’t do your therapists, he will be uncomfortable and then he’ll be more emotionally reactive which won’t work in favor of your therapy. And for fucks sake do not mention his hair, not ever. Not even casually. You are totally screwed if you start looking at his hair. He is every bit as hot when he keeps his hair short (so fucking hot my fucking gosh) or long (so fucking hot) so just ignore it completely. This is hard earned wisdom I’m sharing with you for free.
Tell him you appreciate him. Even if you are short on time and you have so much going on you actually need two sessions a week but you can’t afford it. Make sure he knows you appreciate him, because of course you do, but he’s the kind of boyfriend type therapist who needs to hear it. You might not be used to therapists who need that from you. This one does. Don’t hold it against him, because it’s proof of his humanness and relatability and genuine sincere nature, no sarcasm intended. That’s what it means and it’s a good sign so go with it.
Don’t mention American football. Just don’t. He looks down on it and will get worked up about it. If you are like most clients with trauma, him getting vocal about his dislike of football might make you less likely to share with him in therapy. If you are a client like me, then him oversharing negative opinions about a sport you watch sometimes will have the surprising effect of making you want to take him out on a football field and tackle him or get tackled by him. Sexual or not, doesn’t matter, because at that moment you’re thinking about beating him up or fucking him and neither of those fantasies is helping you focus on your therapy issues, which is why you’re in therapy, right? Golf is fine and so is soccer, btw, just not football.
Casually mention that you are religious about wearing sunscreen because it protects skin from sun damage and minimizes skin cancer risk and aging. He needs to wear sunscreen, but he won’t do it if you tell him to outright. He might, however, be open to the habit if he hears someone else is happy doing it.
Encourage him to dress better, but do it in a way that doesn’t seem like you are. If you talk about an experience with your lover, casually include something good about a piece of clothing he was wearing and why you liked it. The Therapist is a beautiful man who sometimes dresses really badly. I know, it’s confusing and frustrating, but he hates complements so if you compliment how the fit of his polo looks good on him or how the color is flattering, he will be uncomfortable. You can’t tell him his shirt is ugly, even if we’re all thinking it, because he’ll be offended. So casually mentioning why you like certain clothing on other guys is the best strategy.
Terminate him before he terminates you. He is awful at terminations, that’s why I started a dang blog to vent about it because he is shit at terminating clients, and he appears to not give a damn that his terminations suck. His boss will not make him do a good job, probably because she’s good at it and doesn’t comprehend how he could be so bad at it, but he is fuck awful at it. And like you can see from my blog, he will have zero compassion for you if his terminations methods destroy part of your soul. Once he dumps you, you aren’t his problem anymore. So dump him first and make it positive. Because he’s helped you more than he knows and you’re more powerful and incredible from everything you’ve accomplished and you both deserve a goodbye that celebrates that.
Client, there’s a weak sad part of me that envies you a little because you have what I didn’t have, insider knowledge that can make your therapy with The Tall Hot Emotional Bad Boy Therapist go more smoothly than mine did. I want that for you. The Ex Therapist has even more therapy that he knows how to do now and I’m not going to ever get to try that stuff because he’s close friends with all of the counselors in Blacksburg and throughout Virginia who offer it. But you get to try all of it! You get to meet regularly with a guy who I think is one of the best in the world, and you also get to avoid the crap that I went through. This is a double win for you!
You and The Therapist will be the best team ever and you’ll both progress through therapy in good emotional condition. You got this.