I think the weight that I feel has lifted from me was me clinging to the client version of me. Letting that go has made me feel lighter.
That client girl was going through so much back then and she really needed even one relationship to be safe and not fail spectacularly. She thought therapy was safe and wouldn’t fail, and when she was wrong and it did fail, she broke.
I once tried using The Container Method to get closure about The Therapist. I wrote a letter to him and put it in an actual box, but I never tried putting the past version of me in the box. I thought I could carry her around with me, but I believe that’s why it took me so long to make significant progress.
Letting go of the need or the strong desire for a safe respectful relationship (of any kind really) was difficult for me to do, but holding on to that idea was holding me back. I was stuck with a sad brokenhearted version of myself.
The Client version of me has died. I let her go. I couldn’t promise her what she needed and she couldn’t let go of it.
This version of me does not expect safety outside of what safety I can give myself.
I buried The Client on a pretty hillside where she can look out over everything and where she’ll finally have peace.
I kissed her goodbye and laid her to rest in a good spot up on December Hill.