I failed therapy, flunked out in a way like only an overachieving dramatic superstar diva can.
It’s fine, meaning it isn’t fine, but it isn’t something I can change.
It’s hilarious to do everything in therapy that’s set in front of you and have your therapist give you a big fucking zero in front of everyone. In front of their supervisor, in front of their colleagues, in front of their lovers, and of course, in front of your own family and friends. It feels really bad and is by far the biggest I’ve ever failed at something.
Even more hilarious than working your ass off in therapy and getting failed, is going to therapy to work on the issue of failing out of therapy. If you think therapists have problems and issues covered, they don’t. Therapists understand therapists messing up or clients not engaging, the basics. They aren’t prepared for clients and therapists working together and working hard and making a positive difference in the client’s life, and then that client flunks. Apparently Radford doesn’t think it’s important enough to cover in their popular counseling program.
My therapists after my flunk out were very understanding and gentle with me, but they don’t seem to quite grasp how utterly humiliating it was. They tried to help me and they did in some ways. It’s just a very humiliating and painful thing to accept.
I think I have a degree in Therapy Failure. My ex-therapist boyfriend has one too, because fair is fair. Also because my therapists said I’m not to blame (which is nice of them) and I lean on that when the pain and shame are too much.
Of all the things to fail at and have a degree in, I got that. It’s rather stupid and feels like life played a practical joke on me. Yes, maybe I’ve been pranked. I’ll try thinking that when it hurts too much.