I hate my ex-therapist Aaron Gleaves. I hate him so very much.
I’d prefer to not have feelings about him at all. I’d prefer to go back to before I ever knew he existed. I’d prefer to have never been in the same state as him at the same time.
But here I am, and it isn’t going well.
There are other guys I hate, but it’s more like I hate them because they are pure scum, like my ex husband who is just trash in a very thorough way. He is also useless, because he contributes nothing to society or to his family, not to friends, not to coworkers, etc. Literally there is nothing from him that makes him remotely worth the oxygen he uses. It’s sad that he exists.
Aaron Gleaves is not a worthless scumbag. Logically, I shouldn’t hate him more than the evil politicians or the deadbeat dads who need to be eradicated for the survival of society or the abusive husbands and cheaters and runaway fathers who are turning this messed up country into a wasteland. Those so-called people are things in people skins and they stand as obstacles for the people who are really people to overcome. They are the sludge of humanity because they lack humanity and they need to be done away with if we want a successful and prosperous and happy country. Logically, they hold everyone in society back.
I’m usually inclined to follow logic. The sensible thing usually wins me over sooner and occasionally, later than I’d like. But when it comes to my ex-therapist, I hate him quite passionately. I feel like he deserves to be punished, but within reason. Like have some big buff dudes kick his ass and they get away with it, or have something big and humiliating happen to him, but I don’t know what. I just want him to be humiliated on the level he humiliated me, because I want him to feel my pain and understand what he did to me, but I’m not sure what that should look like with him. I don’t want him to get cheated on, because I only wish that upon cheaters themselves. Unless he cheated on a previous partner, and then I hope his wife cheats with 4-5 guys he knows and that he’s the last to find out. But if he hasn’t cheated, then no, not that.
Maybe if I file a formal complaint and make it go viral he’d be humiliated. I’ve already told several well-respected therapists and others about him, but maybe more need to know. I don’t care what anybody knows about me at this point, because once I learned that he’d been blabbing about me behind my back, I realized I’d be better off just putting things out there in my own way instead of letting him have that power.
The problem with the ideas that are huge punishments like losing his license or having his wife have the best sex of her life with younger men he knows, is that it feels like too much. The problem with telling therapists and seeing them judge him is that it feels validating, but rather confusing because is he a shit therapist, or is he just shit with how he prefers to treat me personally? Is he nice to everyone but me? I’d like to know. If this is a Aaron hates Heather issue then knowing that could be the key to saying ok he’s going to always be a dick with how he interacts and treats me, and that’s a him problem that I’m fine letting go of. Some people don’t like me and that’s ok.
But will he treat other clients this way, and what about any clients who he starts to dislike later? Then this becomes more than a him issue.
A guy Bill who I briefly dated was super avoidant and blocked me right after asking me to go on another date with him one weekend. Bill is a cowardly avoidant who needs to face his issues and make some changes if he ever wants a relationship. He knows it, because he mentioned it once. But the thing about Bill is that he’s a very good accountant and he’s a trustworthy one. So he’s terrible to try to date, and I don’t like him at all, but even I will tell you that he’s worth hiring to manage the accounting department and handle the books.
What about my dear sweet Aaron Gleaves guy then? Is he an avoidant? Clearly yes. Men who aren’t avoidant will absolutely handle their business, even if it’s just a matter of pride or honor with them. Aaron Gleaves is showing that he will avoid handling his business and fixing problems that he causes. But is he a shit therapist to most clients? I don’t know. Part of me says he’s a ticking time bomb because of his reluctance and hesitation to work through miscommunications and conflict. I think those are skills that every therapist should have. Is he good enough to do short term therapy, because it’s less deep and requires less commitment? Or is he just a fucking mess that all clients should avoid? I don’t know. None of us can rely on the opinions of his family or coworkers about him, because they will defend everything about him no matter what he does. His boss is concerned for her business, his coworkers will take his side, his wife for some reason appeared to tolerate him humiliating her in a way I wouldn’t have tolerated, as in I might’ve divorced him for it—not kidding, so all in all his family and friend group seems to be enablers, willing to defend him and take the punches for messes he makes.
The problem is I don’t really want to care about him at all, exactly how he appears to think of me as nothing and nonexistent, it’d be great to have him erased like he erased me. I’m just not sure how to do that. I’ve been able to go weeks and even over a month in a single stretch without caring for good or for bad if he exists. It’s a great break, but it doesn’t last.
When I ponder what I feel that Mr. Gleaves deserves, I like to picture it happening and how I feel about it as it’s pretend happening tells me if it’s too much or not enough.
I picture getting an important job with a lot of pull or marrying a powerful man and seeing to it that Mr. Gleaves gets his counseling license revoked and has to work fast food or retail for the rest of his life. My feelings are uncomfortable with that, so if I get in a position of power I wouldn’t choose that.
I picture him having to clean stalls and kennels and I’m uncomfortable with that too. Also making him the sexy country boy worker won’t work because he would look too good doing manual labor. That would be too irritating to me.
Should he have to work as a stripper and do parties and stuff? Yes, he should have to dance when we want him to dance, because he thinks he can judge everyone for their sexuality or for being single or for anything romance or sex related. I don’t know who told him that sex and love are his jurisdiction, but it isn’t true. I dare him to judge me one more time, to my face. No, he shouldn’t be a stripper because he’s so damn judgmental that it wouldn’t be fair to others to have to be around him.
If this were a movie, he would need to be slapped or shaken, or have to have sex with someone he doesn’t like. He should have to fall in love with the wrong person and suffer.
This isn’t a movie, but maybe the universe will settle it by cursing him to carry around mental agony over his fuckup exactly like I’m having to. The difference is I don’t see how I deserve this at all. I really don’t. I never saw this coming, folks, I really didn’t. If he hates me I don’t know why, even though he is free too, of course. Ultimately I don’t get why he orchestrated things this way. There were so many better ways he could’ve picked. I also don’t know why I loved and respected a therapist who hated me more than anyone else. What the fuck is wrong with me? Therapy doesn’t know, and neither do I. I usually have better intuition than that. I also don’t know why he let things go on for so long with me if he was unhappy or annoyed with me. We could’ve had two pleasant termination settings months or years sooner and it would’ve been less hurtful and complicated than this crappy version.
I don’t know how to cope with loving a guy who hates me and who is mean, and apparently only mean to me? My exes didn’t get that from me, my coworkers and family don’t either because I actually like myself and deserve better.
Do I want him sexually? I don’t think so. I don’t see why I would because if I get interested in sex again there is no shortage of willing men for that. I don’t need to lust after anyone right now. And I don’t think wanting someone who thinks I’m too horrible to respect is the way to have a good time. It’s not just about looks is what I think. A guy who is beautiful and who thinks I’m nothing isn’t my idea of a fun partner.
But for those of you who think yeah, he’s made some mistakes and I’m sorry he was mean to you, but if he kissed me, I’d kiss him back, I understand where you’re coming from, no judgment. I’d probably be the same way if we were in an alternate dimension and had some proper tension, but it wasn’t extreme like this where his opinion of me seems to be that I’m the lowest woman on earth. Him despising me is kind of a big turnoff that’s tough to get past.
I don’t know what my solution is, so for now if the universe can make him hate me or be annoyed and pissed to the point of distraction sometimes, I’ll take that in place of more traditional punishments. If I was beautiful I’d say universe, make him want me, ha, just because he’d hate that so much. Having to want me while thinking I’m ugly and an annoying brat. So yes universe, if you want to do that please feel free to. It’s fine if you get creative with him. He’s smart and sexy with tons of fans and support so he’ll be fine. He can handle things, but go ahead and make him have to work for it. Really work for it, like I’m having to work to deal with this.
Mr. Gleaves will be fine even with whatever punishments or balance he has to go through for treating me worse than I deserved. I hope I’ll eventually be fine too, but if I’m not, please universe at least be a little fair since I was a good client, and make him suffer from how he ended my therapy too.