One reason I didn’t like the way my termination went was because I felt a lot of pressure to be emotionally strong. The Therapist instantly came across as being either upset at saying goodbye and trying not to show it, or anxious to get rid of me and never see me again. I couldn’t tell which it was. So I felt like I had to be strong and totally fine with how it was happening.
Part of being the family hero means making sad things like goodbyes easier for everybody else. For example, when my sister comes to visit, I’ve never been the one crying when we say goodbye at the airport.
My therapy termination was like that. Is The Therapist sad? Don’t worry, I won’t make it worse by being sad too. Is he annoyed and can’t wait to be rid of me for good? I got this. I can be cool while being discarded.
My plan for my termination was to basically have a celebratory graduation kind of goodbye. Now I realize that while I believe my plan would’ve been more productive than the one The Therapist chose for us, I think it too would’ve been flawed.
The Therapist’s plan didn’t allow for celebration or grieving, but mine wasn’t going to allow for grief either. Part of saying goodbye to someone you care about or have been through a lot with is grief.
I think back now and realize how much good it might’ve done for me to participate in a goodbye where I didn’t have to be strong, one where I could be happy about the time we had, but also sad about not getting to talk with my favorite therapist ever again.
That would’ve been a first for me on that emotional level. It’s the kind of experience someone like me isn’t going to necessarily be able to know she needs, which is why I’ve just now realized it.
Part of therapy is supposed to be safely experiencing emotions. I can’t speak for what The Therapist was feeling, but I can tell you his body language wasn’t comfortable. Maybe he was sad, maybe relieved, maybe some mix of both. I wish that he and I had both been able to share the spectrum of feelings about our goodbye while it was happening.
Healing now has been partly about letting myself feel the feelings that I ideally would’ve leaned into back then. In some ways it’s been liberating that I haven’t been able to family or therapy hero myself through this.