Readers, some of you were upset back when I said I thought The Therapist was hot, and you were mad that I called him a sex symbol.
I’ve been thinking about some of the reasons why The Therapist and his friends and family and his endless supply of beautiful adoring female fans would be offended by him being called attractive.
It could be that The Therapist thinks he comes across as more trustworthy and serious if he’s an awkward nerd hippie intellectual type instead of a fuck machine demigod. Perhaps he doesn’t want people like me to think he’s hot because he only wants the most gorgeous people in Virginia to think about him like that. Maybe he doesn’t want to be sexy because he’s not a big fan of sex—as a concept or a practice. It’s also possible that his family and friends were seeing him clearly and back then I wasn’t, because I was grieving.
Maybe what they were trying to tell me is that The Therapist is unattractive.
You know how there are some things we accept as fact: The sun is hot, gravity holds us to the earth, well, I just figured that The Therapist being a total sex symbol was one of those obvious facts.
But maybe I was wrong.
So I’ve been thinking about how some of you reacted and finally I’m getting a clearer picture and I can see how The Therapist isn’t attractive or sexy at all. There are several reasons why.
Having a good looking manly jaw is overrated. Men with this characteristic are often douchebags. They think that because they have a perfect jawline that they’re sexier and more powerful than other men. Look guys, I hate to break it to you, but if a man with a perfect jaw walks up to you and your wife and asks your wife to sleep with him, she will want to say yes. She may, in fact, say yes later behind your back, or she will say no, but she’ll think of him for months afterward every time you have sex. Basically, men with good manly jaws are home-wreckers, and that’s very unattractive to most people.
Who thinks a man with a head full of smooth healthy hair is attractive? Nobody does, because men like that are vain pricks. They’re totally self-absorbed and their priorities are whack. Do you want a therapist or a husband who zones out while he’s supposed to be listening to you, because he just remembered it’s Thursday and that means tonight he’s going to deep condition his hair? Fuck no, nobody wants that. We want a bald guy who will take out the trash without us having to nag him. Guys with good hair are selfish and vain and those characteristics are really unattractive.
Aha you say, but everyone loves a good smile. Hell no we don’t. What kind of a man goes around smiling all the time? A man who is a pussy that’s who. Do you see John Wick smiling while he’s cutting scumbags down? No you don’t, because the only kind of men who smile as they’re killing folks are psychos like The Joker. Is The Joker attractive? Only if you are fucking insane yourself. Men with nice smiles are wusses or psychos, and those are both very unattractive things to be.
If you think intelligence makes a man attractive then you’re either a moron or you are attracted to egotistical know it alls. Guys who value intelligence think they’re the smartest person in any room and will mansplain basic things to you, things like drinking a glass of water which you already know how to do and have been doing for years just fine without his help. Smart men are attention hogs and condescending to everybody, and those are unattractive traits.
We live in a society that considers tall men to be attractive. Do you know what happens at a therapist convention besides hours of mind-numbingly boring conversation? I’ll tell you what happens—a man like The Therapist walks in and he’s bigger and taller than everyone else and he gets instant attention. The men want to be him and the women want to be fucked by him. Nobody is giving a single fuck about therapy anymore, and to top it off, later when people look at the group photo, everyone notices him first and the wives of the other men have to zoom in just to find their husbands. Tall men are entitled pricks who hijack the attention from everyone else just by showing up, and that’s very unattractive.
What’s in a name? Unfortunately, a lot. Now most women would think oh my, Gleaves is a perfect last name—and they’d be excited to take it. But it’s really a presumptuous and confusing name that sounds too much like leaves. Do you want a man who people will think is named after leaves? That’s like being named Basil. The name Gleaves might have a noble origin, but if 100 out of 100 people don’t know what the fuck the meaning is then it doesn’t matter. Aaron is an attractive name though you say. The fuck it is. That name has been totally misappropriated by superhuman assholes. You can’t even relax and enjoy watching sports without overachieving pricks like Aaron Rodgers or Aaron Judge being mentioned incessantly. So no, Aaron Gleaves is not an attractive name like I once thought it was. Thanks for showing up and making the rest of us feel like a bunch of puny failures, Aarons, you dicks.
One other supposedly attractive quality that really isn’t attractive at all is when a man has a smooth manly voice. Men with nice voices are manipulative assholes who know that if they use their voices right, they can get you to do anything. A therapist doesn’t need a good smart manly voice with a sexy southern country boy accent sprinkled in just enough to be pleasantly distracting. Hell no, Aaron Gleaves had that in my therapy and it’s distracting and annoying and now that I think back, it’s probably one reason I tried most of whatever he suggested. He could’ve said that standing on my head for 2 minutes every morning would prevent me from having anxiety that day, and I would’ve tried it. He was basically hypnotizing me with his voice. That’s some bullshit level of power for any man to have and that’s why a good voice is actually an unattractive quality in a man.
Yes, readers, I have finally come to my senses. This is like the morning after you slept with someone who you only thought was hot last night because you’d had too much to drink. I feel pretty embarrassed right about now, because Aaron Gleaves has all of those unattractive qualities and characteristics in spades, and probably additional ones that I’m overlooking.
The good thing is that now I can see what his family and friends and coworkers and female fans were trying to tell me this whole time:
Aaron Gleaves is not sexy.