Well this post is actually not about The Therapist. It’s related to something he helped me with, but which I’m still not good at, and that is sitting with conflicting feelings and with discomfort.
It’s not lost on me than when The Therapist became uncomfortable with my confusion about our relationship, he ran. Haha, but it’s ok to appreciate a wise message even if the messenger who delivered it won’t live up to it himself.
Tonight I have discomfort. It’s not about my therapy, but it is about dating and friendships. I’ve barely started back into trying to date and it already feels like too much work. Things have been happening that have got me thinking a lot about what I need and want.
I’m annoyed, because I feel like you marrieds really suck in many ways. I’ve been married and had relationships (not as many as I should’ve had because my religious upbringing fucked me up and made me slow to go after what I wanted instead of what they wanted me to pursue) and I thought marriage sucked even when I was married. It nearly always turns into complacency or a power trip.
But a lot of you suck. A lot of you wives and girlfriends are awful sex partners and you only get as much credit from men as you do because so many of them are just glad to be getting any at all. The bar for women’s sexual performance is low. I know this because I’ve slept with your exes and get hit on by your husbands and these guys are asking for really basic things. Their minds are blown by basic sex. I have been very surprised by husbands. They aren’t asking me for porn stuff, they’re asking for basic things. Many of you women are taking good care of your houses and children and are taking bad care of your husbands. Why is your husband or your ex taken aback when I compliment him at all or touch him or show him that I like how he touches me? Ladies, I’m not a porn star. I have small breasts and a small ass. I’m creative, yet basic. I’m not the queen of kink and I shouldn’t be the equivalent of a cool drink of water on a hot day to these men who lived with you and slept in your bed for years. Then you toss around the word “homewrecker” like everybody owes you respect because you’ve managed to financially trap a man into a sex deprived relationship. I’m talking about basic regular men, not the sociopath abusive assholes who are never pleased and who are inherently destructive.
I don’t feel sorry for the trapped husbands, except for in the way that I feel sorry for all of us with our fucked up systems that use and oppress us. Men can get out of marriage with less loss than women usually, thanks to the patriarchy. But a lot of men are just trying to be reasonably happy. Again, there are assholes out there, but basic otherwise pretty good people get trapped in marriages or jobs or whatever, and it isn’t easy to get out. Society punishes those of us who step out. An ok regular husband who is unhappy and gets divorced won’t get to see his children as much as if he stays. Not all men are deadbeat trash like my ex literally is. I think a lot of our systems suck for people who are reasonably good people.
It tires me to be hit on by married guys. Part of the reason is some of them I’d like to have sex with. I don’t want a relationship with them and wouldn’t have to feel the burden of a relationship with a married guy. Sometimes I just really want fun easy sex and a married guy could deliver that. I could still get my own boyfriend to be serious with. It’s a very appealing situation in several ways. I’ve almost done it, and then usually the guy says something that makes me analyze it. Like tonight when a married man said, “We can keep it a permanent secret.” I laughed outright. There’s no such thing. And of course his plan was so bad that I said no confidently.
I find it exhausting and it happens quickly. It’s not like I have to even date these guys to get hit on with their terrible plans. They are unsatisfied in their marriages and they have been for years, so they get excited and move fast. I think it’s sad for everyone. I’m probably supposed to look down on the married men who hit on me, but I don’t. I was in a bad marriage that sucked to get out of, so I relate to them. I don’t think their plans are smart or honest, but I don’t hate them. I can’t judge them for wanting what I want, to be enjoyed and appreciated and made to feel beautiful by someone. For people like me and some of those guys, it’s not a want, it’s a need. I respect that they need that like I do, even when I have to begrudgingly turn them down.
There’s only one man who I would say yes to without analyzing a single damn thing. His plan completely sucks? Works for me. He thinks it will stay a secret? Sure, that makes sense. Let’s go for it.
For everyone else who is unsatisfied, I hope they can either get what they need in their relationships or get out of those relationships. Whatever they decide, I’m not taking that on. It’s not my job to balance out our broken systems or to save unhappy people.