When I calm down I realize that my biggest problem is something very stupid.
I care about Aaron Gleaves and also despise him, both at once.
It feels terrible, like being pulled apart. I hate myself when I care about him because I feel like I shouldn’t care about people who don’t care about me. It’s very unfair. I feel weak for liking him after he hurt me so badly.
I also despise him with a raging passion. Hate is empowering, but my problem is I can’t stay hating him long enough to stop liking him.
This is the first time I’ve ever felt this way about someone. I usually pick a side either for my safety or because I think their actions prove them to be more bad than good.
Even when I concentrate very hard on hating him, I can’t hold onto it. It’s so frustrating. I know I tease him because he looks very nice, but I’d still be bad at hating him if he started letting himself go. I think I would. Hmm, should I picture him totally old and out of shape? I don’t usually like or dislike people based on looks or age, so that’s not going to work.
I feel like therapists would try to help me sit with these two conflicting feelings I have about him. Aaron was very good at helping me with that. Great now I miss him. And now I’m headed back down the tunnel of depression where I don’t want to be. Damn roller coaster. I hate this.
Aaron Gleaves, will you please tell me that you hate me and always did and that you think my blog is shit? I think that’ll help me to hate you fully, which will help me heal. You can also say that you’re mad at me for calling you hot.