Here are some tips for if you want to choose a therapist.
First, check where he’s from. Look up his license and it’ll show you and from there you can research. If you want a country bumpkin therapist who will have all of the emotional bandwidth of a rock, choose from a small town like Wytheville or Stanardsville or something similar.
Second, in your first two sessions, check to make sure your therapist can handle awkward topics. Bring up something that would make most strangers uncomfortable, and see how he reacts. If your therapist is cool and competent then he’ll roll with it, without letting your therapy go off the rails. If your therapist is a little bitch like mine was, then he’ll seem cool about topics like how you like fucking your boyfriend, but not so cool with things like friendship or honesty or respect.
Third, tell him a few of your most unpopular opinions about some things. Say something polarizing like, golf is for pussies, or people who eat meat hate animals. If your therapist fires back with his own opinions then there’s a good chance that he’s trouble. He could also be good in bed, but probably he’s just trouble.
Fourth, if your therapist looks like a chill treehugger with long hair in his profile pic, but in your first session you notice that he has short hair and looks fucking hot as hell with it, then you are fucked. Your safest choice is to run as fast as you can. If you think it’s awkward to fire a therapist during the second session, you can always use the line, “At the end of this session, I’m going to find a new therapist.” It’s the client variation of a popular phrase approved for therapists to use at the beginning of impromptu termination sessions. It was pioneered by a hot frat bro who decided to stop banging women and listen to them for money instead. All of the therapists in Blacksburg approve of that phrase, so you know it’s a keeper, unlike your hot therapist with the short hair. Run, client, run.