There are always plenty of people who will support us in not growing. Most people are enablers. There are many reasons for this, but mostly it’s based on fear.
The Therapist is human and fearful. He’s more fearful than I’ve seen my other therapists be, but that’s probably just because I didn’t get to know any of them as well as I got to know him. That isn’t me saying I know him well, but I know him better than a typical client would.
I’ve had so many confusing and conflicting feelings after how he terminated me. I’ve been depressed a lot, felt very low, and it’s been extremely difficult to navigate.
If I could have what I want, it would be for The Therapist to fix it, fix his part of it with me. I know that would help me more than he knows.
I’m getting better at thinking I’m a good client. The pain of feeling like he thinks I’m a bad client, his least favorite, is intense. I can’t really describe it except to say it takes my breath away and makes me feel heavy and makes my heart hurt. Because I thought so highly of him, and still do, it’s one of my biggest failures. I can’t think I’m a good client without seeing in my mind how he disregarded me and threw me out so quickly and easily. It has made me want to cut or hurt myself on many occasions. I can’t explain why, but this has somehow felt like the biggest failure of my life. I know that’s an overreaction to all of you, and I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m just saying that for me it’s been the level of failure that has made me feel like continuing to try is pointless. If you’ve ever felt that hopelessly bad then you know. Logically I know it isn’t worth jumping off a bridge over, but it has often felt like it for a long time.
I’m not used to not being able to logically pep talk myself away from the edge. I’ve been abandoned before. I’ve been homeless several times. I have felt this low before but never for this long.
It’s still odd to want The Therapist to help me feel better and to realize that he won’t. It feels like he must not have gotten the message that I need him to be kind to me, or surely he would come help me. I suppose it’s denial, I’m not letting go of the man I thought he was even in the point blank evidence that he isn’t that man. I’m doing better at it, but it’s something that my several past therapists couldn’t really help with. Maybe they tell me they think he cared about me because they’re afraid to tell me he probably never did, but I think they told me what they really thought.
It’s very confusing and painful and humiliating. So humiliating. And I blame myself in some ways, even though all of my therapists have tried to convince me it isn’t my fault.
The way my therapy ended was a tragic waste of a beautiful opportunity.
I don’t want to be a chickenshit. I haven’t managed to stop loving him or stop being angry. I try to just let the feelings exist, and I don’t mind them existing, if only they wouldn’t make me feel physically ill so often. That’s when it’s bad because it makes me worse at everything.
Being cheated on in a relationship is devastating. One thing about it for those of us who choose to leave cheaters, is if you take care of yourself, you’ll eventually feel much better than you think you ever will.
I thought this termination trauma would be similar to healing after a cheater, but either it isn’t similar enough, or I’m not doing it right.
Since The Therapist is content to not help me, I’m trying to heal on my own and I don’t feel it happening. My progress stalled months ago. I’m in a dark place because I feel stuck in never ending trauma. It’s taking a physical toll that people around me have noticed.
I don’t want to feel like this. I thought if I could change from loving The Therapist to hating him, that I’d start to get more closure. I’m right, the only trouble is the hating him part. I can’t seem to hate him. That also makes me feel ashamed. I’ve been good at getting rid of the guys who disrespect me, until now.
I think he broke me. It’s humiliating and I’m sorry to everyone who expected to see some kind of hero’s healing journey. I’ve failed at this entirely. I’m brave enough to admit it.
I want to be brave enough to not give up. I feel so hurt and weak. I’m out of ideas.
What would a strong best girlfriend say to me? He’s not worth your time, erase him, just like he erased you, and that means the blog has to stop. Girl, you have to live like he’s dead.
I made it harder by writing things that will be associated with him now, like sex symbol. I doubt he’ll ever hear those words without thinking of me for a second.
I’m still a romantic at heart and maybe that’s what I’ve been doing, trying to turn a basic therapy tragedy that therapists don’t get worked up over because they have so many clients, into a romantic tragedy. That sounds like something I’d do.
I’ll never forget the way several people have reacted to my story. It hits people as a case of a those two have to be separated kind of story. I have tried to tell people no that isn’t what it is, there’s nothing romantic going on. But sex isn’t all that romance is. Things can be very romantic and not sexual.
The Therapist and I had a romantic tragedy. I’m sorry. I know he’ll deny it to his grave because he seems to be the kind of scared human that most humans are. And there will always be people to enable him when he’s scared.
I can find some solace in the fact that for good or bad, The Therapist won’t ever forget me. I’ve said it before, but I do hope I haunt him. I hope in his low moments as he gets older and shit happens that he thinks, would The Client still think I’m sexy? Yes, Therapist she would. Somewhere out there, she does think that. I hope he gets reminded of me when he least expects it, because if he isn’t willing to help fix it with me then he sure as hell needs to help carry the burden.
He blamed my blog for him changing his client load. Bullshit. Are you going to blame me for my termination and your hesitation in your career because you’re second guessing yourself after fucking me up? You did this your way and we’re here. Own it and stop running from the growth you need to experience. If you want to be an admin who dabbles in niche client facing therapy, that’s great if it’s what you want. If it isn’t, then stop being a coward. And don’t let the well meaning enablers in your life talk you into staying complacent and avoiding the tough shit you need to face.
Therapist, you can block and run from me and people will enable you. But eventually the universe will insist you face the deeper stuff, the things that scare you.
For me it’s terrifying to love someone and feel safe with them and have them hurt me and abandon me and then I find out that I can’t stop loving them. It sucks so bad. It makes me feel weak. I’ve never experienced a breakup that feels this crappy for so long to me emotionally.
Maybe I do need to let go and pretend you died, Therapist, like you try to pretend I did. But our sessions were pretty honest and you know I’m still here. I’m going to be brave enough to look past the superficial evidence around me and I’m going to do what women who get dumped are not supposed to do. I’m going to never accept that you forget me or don’t like me. If you want to call it hate it’s fine, call it whatever you want. You care about me, that’s what I believe.
I don’t know whether I’ll kill the blog or let it sit until I decide if I’m going to finish the book about this. Made up of course, but my therapy experience is my inspiration.
I won’t know if The Therapist has a successful career, but I assume that with everyone guiding him along the safest routes that he will one way or another.
I don’t know what will become of me. When the pain and darkness are bad, I’m really scared.
But I don’t want to be a chickenshit.